There Was This Race Car Driver.

There was this race car driver who was getting ready for the big race when he realized he forgot to pack something for lunch, but he was already at the race track. He was too embarrassed to tell the other racers he forgot his lunch so he figured he would go without it and probably be okay. Three hours later, when he was behind the wheel, his blood-sugar level dropped and he passed out with all of his weight on the gas pedal. When he came to, he learned he had broken the speed record for the racetrack, but he didn't win the race, he just ran over a bunch of people and crashed into some stuff, because you can't steer a car when you're unconscious!

Three cats strolled into town one day and looked around. They were looking for the man that shot their paw. So I guess they didn't really stroll, rather than limp. 

There Were These Squirrels.

There were these squirrels who decided to rob a bank so they stayed up late every night in the hole in their tree plotting and planning, and they came up with the perfect heist, which involved breaking into the safe, because they didn't want to get sacks of red dye packs or end up in a shoot out with the police, so they got some tools and tunneled under the bank, which took several weeks, and finally drilled through the bottom of the safe where they climbed through, successfully undetected. And this is when they realized the safe was full of money, and not acorns, and that they were squirrels, so the whole endeavor was a waste of everyone's time. 

There Was This Genie

There was this genie I met one time who could grant one wish per person, but the only wishes he could grant lasted for one day and weren't very awesome, like winning the lottery or getting to meet the Queen, so I wished I could be a dog for one day, hoping to go on dog adventures, like getting pats on the head from strangers and free sausages from the butcher and running into other dogs and barking at stuff, but I forgot to say the word "stray," so I spent the day on some guys couch while he was at work all day, until he came home and let me out to pee, then went our right after that to go hang out with his friends or something. 

There Was This Hunter

There was this hunter who was out in the woods on a hunt, when he lost his hat. He was really upset because that was his favorite hunting hat.

He looked and looked, and re-traced his steps, but couldn't find it. Then he saw a deer, and thought, 'Maybe that deer has seen my hat,' so he said, "Hey, deer, have you seen my hat? It's kind of a forest-green with a yellow patch sewn on to it, with a brown bill."

At which point the hunter realized he sounded like a complete idiot, because everyone knows deer are color-blind. 

There Was This Monkey

There was this monkey who like to climb trees, as most monkeys do, until everyone realized he was extra good at it, even for a monkey.

So his friends and family encouraged him to climb for his species in the Olympics, and he packed his suitcase (and no, it wasn't full of bananas, because everyone knows you can get bananas at the grocery store, it was full of pants, because everyone also knows that they won't let you in the Olympics without pants) and was off to go for the gold.

When he got to the Olympics he had some beers the night before and got pulled over for a DUI and was arrested and totally missed the Olympics. Stupid monkey! 

There Was This Guy, or This Thing, or Whatever.

There was this rabbit, who wore overhauls and had big furry black eyebrows, and he would drive a truck everyday into town and look for work, and this went on for a couple of months, with no luck.

So one night he was drinking at the bar with his buddy, belly-aching about his lack of employment, when his buddy suggested he invest in a three piece suit, you know, dress for success, but when the rabbit still had no luck finding work, he finally asked at his last interview why he didn't get the job, and said, "Is it because I'm a rabbit?" and they said, "No, it's because you're a convicted felon."

Because the rabbit killed a guy.